Angst in My Pants
by PlrtzGlrb
Summary: Literati. Begins with The Real Paul Anka. Rory gets lost on the drive home and ends up right where she started.


**A/N** : Begins in the immediate aftermath of "The Real Paul Anka." Rory makes a wrong turn and ends up back where she belongs. Literati.

* * *

 **Chapter 1** : Fried Chicken and Ketchup

* * *

"God, I always do this. I blurt out some kind of partial-truth, and then somewhere before I realize the implications of my less-than-whole truth but after the other person has already started to draw conclusions based on the information I've given them, I flee. Just, high-tail it right out of there, like a chicken. And not even the nice kind of chicken. I'm the kind of chicken that comes in a 27-million-piece bucket with assorted, contextually inappropriate dipping sauces. I mean, who puts ketchup on fried chicken?"

"Whoa there, Herbie. A little less fully loaded."

"Shoot. Is exit 4B before or after 4A coming from this direction?"

"Uhh, depends. Where are you?"

"Oh, no. Am I in Jersey? They should make it illegal to operate heavy machinery after you've made a stupid, stupid mistake."

"Jersey? Rory, honey. Help mommy out."

"I'm sorry. I'm pulling over."

"Yes, do that, and then tell me what the hell you're doing in Zach Braff's backyard."

"I told him I loved him."

"Zach Braff?"

"Mom."

"I'm sorry, I tell jokes when I have less than a zero percent idea of what's going on."

"I drove to Philadelphia."

"Okay, better. I've got a map... Wait, Luke is in Philadelphia."

"I know. I ran into him."

"At, the Liberty Bell?"

"At Jess's book store."

"Ah. Oh. Oh, honey. You told Jess you love him?"

"No. I told Jess I love Logan... I feel like such an idiot. I was just so mad at Logan, you know?"

"That's understandable."

"I wanted to get back at him for cheating, and then I saw Jess's flier, and I don't know. It just seemed like a sign or an omen. Definitely cosmic."

"Did you...?"

"No. Well, we kissed."

"You kissed. Jess, you kissed Jess."

"He kissed me. I kind of kissed back."

"And?"

"And nothing. I pulled away, and I told him I love Logan, and apologized for stringing him along, and I left. And now I'm somewhere in New Jersey. It was so much easier to navigate before I had that stroke."

"You're in quite a pickle there, missy."

"There are hundreds of things I could have said to him that would have crushed him less than that. You should have seen him, mom."

"Did he look anything like you, after he ran away to California?"

"Not the same."

"Yeah, well."

"I just didn't want him to think that I was messing with him. I wanted to give him a reason for ending the kiss other than me feeling guilty about cheating on Logan, and 'love' seemed pretty iron-clad at the time, but..."

"But? There's a 'but?'"

"No. I do love him. I just... I think, I don't want to anymore. I'm so tired of fighting him, and having all of our towels cleaned weekly, even though we don't use them all, so of course I end up coming up with excuses to use towels when I don't need them just to justify the expense, even though Logan wouldn't notice anyway."

"Fresh towels sounds nice."

"I'm living in a day spa."

"Hey, are you crying?"

"No. Yes, but they were playing that really emotional Sarah MacLachlan dog commercial on the radio right before I called."

"Honey, it's okay. Shhh."

"I love him, but I don't want to anymore. And now I'm the idiot who stayed with the guy who cheated on her just because she loves him. God, I'm an idiot."

"You're not an idiot. Crappy driver, maybe, but not an idiot."

"I am. I'm an idiot, and a chicken, and I'm stuck in Jersey. Oh, crap."

"What?"

"I've got a call on the other line."

"Logan?"

"It's a number I don't recognize. I'm gonna take it."

"Okay. Hey, hun?"

"Yeah?"

"Drive safe. You don't want to crash into any guidos."

"Bye."

* * *

"Hello?"

"Rory?"

"This is she."

"Hey, it's Matt."

"Matt... Oh, Matt! Hi."

"Long time no talk, right? Listen. Is now a good time?"

"I, uh... Sorry, how did you get this number?"

"Jess. It was on a napkin. Anyway, listen."

"You said that before."

"Jess isn't doing too well. I was never great with math, but a pretty, blue-eyed, brown-haired girl from Jess's past shows up, and it starts to add up."

"What happened?"

"Can't say. He's locked himself in his bedroom with Pavement up at full blast. Now, usually, I'm big on Pavement. But this isn't 'Shady Lane,' Rory. It's 'Price Yeah!'"

"Oh, dear."

"I was really, really getting used to the sleeping part of life."

"Tell him to turn it down."

"No."

"Why not?"

"In the entire time I've known Jess, he's never acted like this. But one conversation with you, and he's Judd Nelson in _the Breakfast Club_."

"That bad, huh?"

"Look, I've got a general non-interference policy when it comes to my friends' relationships, and I plan to keep it that way, but Jess is also a client, and it's important to me that he not go off the deep end right now."

"Well, I am only about 30 minutes out."

"Good. I'll leave the front door unlocked."

* * *

"So, when you said-?"

"Jess isn't doing too well-"

"What you really meant was-?"

"Jess is totally fine? Yeah."

"Okay, just trying to verify that I didn't suffer an aneurism between here and the turnpike."

"I also lied about not being a meddler."

"Really."

"I'm a huge meddler. It's one of my four major hobbies."

"Right after flagellation, I hope."

"Ouch. But point taken."

"I'm going now."

"What? Wait, Rory."

"Wait for what? For totally-normal Jess to emerge from his totally-normal bedroom, only to discover that his totally-not-normal ex-girlfriend who showed up unannounced at his party and then strung him along for two hours turned around thirty minutes into Jersey because his roommate called and meddled? No thank you."

"Wow, you really can rant."

"It's genetic."

"A gift. Do you write?"

"Non-fiction."

"I can tell. You've got the knack."

"Do not distract me with flattery. I'm trying to make an exit."

"Did you read the book, Rory?"

"What...Jess's book?"

"No. _The_ _Bhagavad Gita_. Yes, Jess's book."

"Of course. It's incredible."

"Well, did anything in it strike you as particularly familiar?"

"I mean, Jess. His mind. It's, good. And, it's a good book, so it would make sense that Jess's mind and the book would both be good, and both be Jess-like, and I know Jess, so..."

"What about Caroline?"

"What about her?"

"Was she familiar?"

"No. No, not at all. That's what was so fascinating about her. She's kind of an amalgamate of Brett Ashley and Anne Shirley, but completely unromantic in a way female protagonists almost never get to be. She was refreshing."

"She was you."

"What? That's absurd."

"What's absurd is that you're an editor at Yale and you're this naive."

"Excuse me?"

"Like I said, I meddle. I pry. And my best pal Jess wrote a book about a girl, and that girl walked into our home today, which means there's a strong chance that that girl has unresolved feelings for him. And I'm not about to let her drive back to New Haven without a tête-à-tête."

"Well, as much as I appreciate the Cher Horowitz bit, you don't know me. You might know Jess, but you don't know the first thing about our relationship, or what we've been through, and I have to go."

"You drove back here, though. You left, and you came back. You thought Jess was in trouble and you came running back."

"I've got an early morning tomorrow."

"Fine, go. But at least admit that you still have feelings for him."

"No."

"I'll block the door."

"That's kidnapping."

"You're not a kid."

"It's also a fire hazard."

"I'll hide the matches."

"Matt? Why are you still up?"

"Jess - hi."

"Rory?"

"Yep."

"What are you doing here?"

"Well... Hey, Matt! Get your butt back down here!... He's like a Molière character."

"He called you, didn't he?"

"Yep."

"Jeez. Hey, I'm sorry. We tried to housebreak him, but Nancy Drew won't let it go."

"It's okay. I didn't get very far, anyway."

"Didn't you leave a few hours ago?"

"Yeah, but, I went the wrong way, and then I turned around and went the right way, and then I had to pull the car over to talk to my mom, so."

"Sounds about right. Did she know you were...?"

"In Philadelphia, kissing my ex-boyfriend? It wasn't really a planned thing."

"Well, when you say it like that."

"I'm still glad I came."

"I'm glad you came, too."

"Déjà vu."

"It's late... if you want to crash."

"Tempting."

"Come on. I promise, no encore of tonight's previous show. I'm just a friend with a very large couch."

"Uh, okay."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I've got a thing in the morning."

"I'll set the coffee tonight."

"I'm sorry."

"It's nothing. You're welcome whenever."

"No. I'm sorry, about earlier."

"Forget it."

"No. I need to explain."

"It's not necessary."

"It is. You showed up at my grandparents' house-"

"-Rory-"

"-Let me get through this... You showed up, at my grandparents' house, and you were this complete adult. I swear, I thought I'd dreamed the whole thing, and the book, and your haircut, because it was exactly what I always knew."

"Rory."

"Jess. I messed up. School, and my grandparents, and the DAR. You saw that and you knew it wasn't me. Logan... He's not a bad guy. Contrary to everything you saw that night, he can be sweet, and intelligent, and romantic, and funny."

"I get it. He's Hugh Grant."

"I love him. I do. I've tried not to, and I can't help it. But, I'm supposed to be this smart person who's read everything and knows everything and thinks about people and the world and tries not to make stupid decisions because, I should know better, but I don't know what I'm doing. I can't even break up with my boyfriend who cheated on me, because I love him? That's not an excuse. I loved you and we still couldn't figure it out. I don't want to be this person."

"So don't be."

"But how?"

"You'll figure it out. You will."

"Yeah... I never thought I'd see the day Jess Mariano was the good guy. I think I like it."

"Just don't go spreading it around."

* * *

"Hey!"

"You get back okay?"

"Yeah, traffic was pretty scarce at 5 this morning. Thanks again for the coffee."

"It was nothing."

"Well, nothing got me through two and a half hours of Jersey."

"And in my favorite travel mug."

"You do not have a favorite mug."

"It's stainless steel."

"It's yellow, and the lid is wonky."

"Hey, I've been through a lot with that wonky yellow lid."

"Alright, I'll give it back."

"Thank you."

"So..."

"I'll let you get back to whatever. Just wanted to make sure you didn't take a wrong turn and get lost in Amish country."

"Nope. Safe and sound and buggy-free."

"Good, good."

"Hey, Lane is getting married. "

"Nice segue."

"It's weird, right?"

"Eh. People younger than us have been getting hitched for centuries."

"Yeah. Still, _married_."

"My friend Steffy got engaged when we were 17."

"I didn't realize you had any friends named 'Steffy.'"

"Don't mock the lower east side."

"It was a simpler time."

"For some... How is Dave, anyway?"

"Dave? ...Oh, Rygalski. He left for California around the same time as you."

"Huh. All this time, we could have been hanging 10 in Venice."

"He's more of a Bay Area man, I think."

"So who's the lucky guy? Tell me it's not Chuck Presby."

"God, I forgot about him. Do you remember Zach?"

"Lane's marrying Zach?"

"Yep."

"Huh."

"Yep."

"I did not see that coming."

"Yeah. Anyway, I'm busy for the next few days with Best Friend of the Bride duties, but I promise, I will find a way to return your precious mug, sooner rather than later."

"It's not a big deal."

"Don't be coy, pal. I'll get it back."

"Thank you."

"Well... I'm gonna go. Paper stuff."

"I'll let you get to it."

"Bye, Jess."

* * *

A/N: I decided to use this as a writing exercise, so there is literally nothing here except for dialogue. I am a regular Cormac McCarthy with the structural weirdness. My hope is that you should have been able to follow along pretty easily, but if I'm wrong and this is terrible, let me know! Review & shit!


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